June 4, 2025
Setting boundaries is one of the most powerful tools in the unmasking journey but it’s also one of the hardest. Especially if you’ve spent years trying to keep the peace, meet expectations, or stay “likeable” to stay safe. If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
At Alyv, we know that setting boundaries isn’t about being rude or difficult, it’s about honouring your needs, your energy, and your values. Boundaries are how you keep yourself safe. They’re how you unmask with care.
A boundary is a clear statement about what you need, want, or will accept. It’s about your actions, not controlling someone else’s.
A boundary says: “If I feel overwhelmed, I’ll take a break.”
A rule says: “You’re not allowed to upset me.”
Boundaries are about protecting your space, energy, emotions, or body without trying to change or control another person. They’re how we say:
“Here’s what’s okay for me.”
“Here’s what’s not.”
“And here’s what I’ll do if my needs aren’t respected.”
You get to have boundaries even if others don’t understand them. You get to change them over time. And you never have to justify them to people who don’t respect you.
When you're unmasking, stepping away from the performance and letting your real self show, boundaries are your anchor. They help you define:
Not all boundaries are big dramatic statements. Sometimes it’s a soft “no thanks.” Sometimes it’s choosing not to reply straight away. Sometimes it’s leaving early. Here are a few examples:
Healthy boundaries sound like clarity, not cruelty. They can be kind and firm at the same time.
Here’s the tough part: not everyone will cheer you on when you start setting boundaries. Especially if they benefited from you not having any.
You might face guilt trips, confusion, anger, or dismissiveness. That doesn’t mean you’re doing the wrong thing. It just means your growth is showing up where others haven’t grown yet.
If someone reacts poorly:
Your needs don’t become less valid just because someone else doesn’t understand them.
Boundary-setting can bring up grief, especially if you start to realise how long you’ve had to shrink or bend to fit in. It can also bring up fear — fear of losing relationships, being judged, or letting someone down.
Be gentle with yourself. Unmasking is vulnerable work.
If you’re not used to setting boundaries, it might feel clunky at first. That’s okay. Start small. Practice with people who feel safe. Write them down if you need to. Try phrases like:
And then embrace the silence.
After setting a boundary, it’s natural to feel a rush of discomfort if the other person doesn’t respond right away. We’re often taught to fill the silence, soften the blow, or over-explain to make others feel better. But here’s the truth: you don’t need to say more. That silence isn’t a problem, it’s space for the other person to respond. Let them speak first. Let them sit with what you’ve said. Holding that silence is powerful. It shows you trust yourself, and that you’re not going to talk yourself out of what you need.
Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you’re pushing people away. It means you’re letting people meet the real you not the version you curated to feel safe.
The real you deserves to be known. And the real you deserves support, respect, and space.
If you’re on this journey and need some backup, there are supports out there. From peer spaces to neurodivergent-led services, you don’t have to do this alone.
You are not too much. You are not the problem. Your boundaries are valid.
